# What Is the Biggest Mistake People Make in Divorce? If you're going through a divorce or separation, you've probably heard plenty of well-meaning advice from friends, family, and the internet. Some of it is helpful. Much of it is not. And some of the most common approaches people take during divorce end up making things harder, more expensive, and more painful than they need to be. So what's the single biggest mistake people make? While there are many ways to stumble during divorce, one error stands out for how often it happens and how much damage it causes: letting emotions drive decisions. This doesn't mean your emotions aren't valid. They absolutely are. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can experience, and feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, scared, or overwhelmed is completely normal. The mistake isn't having these feelings. It's allowing them to control your legal and financial decisions during a process that will shape your life for years to come. ## Why Emotional Decision-Making Is So Costly When emotions take the lead, several things tend to happen. **You fight battles that don't matter.** In the heat of conflict, everything can feel important. The furniture, who said what, proving you were right about something that happened years ago. But in most cases, courts don't decide property division or support based on who was the "bad spouse." Family violence can matter for parenting outcomes, and in Ontario, extreme financial misconduct or other exceptional circumstances can (rarely) affect property equalization. But fighting over things that won't affect the legal outcome wastes money and energy you'll need for what comes next. **You reject reasonable offers.** An offer that feels insulting when you're angry might actually be fair or even favourable when assessed objectively. Some people turn down reasonable settlements because accepting anything from their ex feels like losing. Then they spend tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees only to end up with the same or worse outcome at trial. **You escalate when you should de-escalate.** Firing off an angry email, making threats, refusing to cooperate on small things, using the children as messengers or weapons. These actions might feel satisfying in the moment, but they tend to make everything worse. They increase conflict, drive up costs, and can negatively affect how a judge views you if your case goes to court. **You make decisions you'll regret.** Moving out impulsively, hiding assets, badmouthing your ex to your children, posting about your divorce on social media. Emotional decisions made in crisis moments can have long-lasting consequences for your case, your finances, and your relationships with your children. ## Other Major Mistakes to Avoid While emotional decision-making tops the list, several other common mistakes can derail your divorce. ### Not Understanding the Financial Picture Many people don't fully understand their family's finances during the marriage, and this becomes a serious problem during divorce. If you don't know what assets and debts exist, what your household expenses actually are, or what your spouse earns, you're negotiating in the dark. Before you can reach a fair settlement, you need complete [financial disclosure](/blog/dividing-property-ontario-separation-divorce) from both sides. In Ontario court cases involving property equalization, parties generally have to complete and exchange a commissioned Financial Statement (Form 13.1), along with supporting disclosure. Don't skip this step or treat it casually. Review what your spouse discloses carefully. If something seems off, ask questions or get professional help. Consider working with a [Certified Divorce Financial Analyst](/blog/do-i-need-a-certified-divorce-financial-analyst-cdfa) if your situation involves significant assets, complex compensation packages, business interests, or if you simply aren't confident navigating the financial aspects yourself. ### Putting Children in the Middle Children suffer when parents put them in the middle of their conflict. This includes asking children to carry messages between parents, questioning children about the other parent's life, expressing anger or contempt about the other parent in front of children, or making children feel they need to choose sides. Courts take this seriously. They look closely at whether parents can communicate and cooperate on matters affecting the child, and they try to make arrangements that reduce children's exposure to conflict. The [Divorce Act](/glossary#letter-d) and courts prioritize the [best interests of the child](/glossary#letter-b) above parental preferences. Beyond the legal implications, putting children in the middle causes real psychological harm that can affect them well into adulthood. If you're struggling to communicate with your ex without conflict, consider using a parenting communication app, working with a [family mediator](/blog/how-to-choose-a-divorce-mediator-in-ontario), or keeping exchanges brief and business-like. Your children will benefit from being protected from adult conflict, even if it requires extra effort from you. ### Failing to Get Proper Legal Information Some people avoid lawyers entirely, thinking they'll save money by figuring everything out themselves. Others hire a lawyer and then ignore their advice, preferring to follow their gut or what a friend told them. Both approaches can be costly. Family law is complex, and the rules about [property division](/blog/dividing-property-ontario-separation-divorce), [child support](/blog/child-support-ontario-how-calculator-works), spousal support, and [parenting arrangements](/blog/custody-vs-access-decision-making-parenting-time) aren't always intuitive. What seems fair to you might not reflect what the law actually provides. And what worked for your friend's divorce might not apply to your situation at all. You don't necessarily need a lawyer to handle everything. [Unbundled or limited scope legal services](/blog/unbundled-limited-scope-family-lawyers-ontario) let you get professional help with specific parts of your case while handling other parts yourself. At minimum, consider a consultation to understand your rights and obligations before making major decisions or signing any agreements. If cost is a barrier, explore [free and low-cost legal resources](/blog/free-low-cost-family-law-help-ontario) in your area. Family Law Information Centres, duty counsel, legal aid, and community legal clinics may be able to help depending on your situation. ### Rushing to Get It Over With Divorce is exhausting, and it's natural to want it finished as quickly as possible. But rushing through the process can lead to agreements that don't serve you well in the long run. Some people sign whatever their spouse puts in front of them just to end the conflict. Others agree to arrangements that seem manageable now but will become problems later, like a parenting schedule that doesn't account for how children's needs change as they grow, or a property division that leaves them financially vulnerable. Take the time to understand what you're agreeing to. Have a lawyer review any [separation agreement](/blog/separation-agreement-ontario-what-to-include) before you sign. Think through how arrangements will work not just next month, but in five or ten years. A bit more time and care now can prevent significant problems later. ### Going to War When You Don't Need To Some divorces genuinely require court intervention. When there's family violence, when one party refuses to negotiate in good faith, when there are serious concerns about a child's safety, litigation may be necessary to protect yourself and your children. But many divorces don't need to be battles. Treating every disagreement as a fight, refusing to compromise on anything, and approaching your ex as an enemy rather than someone you need to reach an agreement with tends to make everything worse. It increases legal fees, extends the timeline, damages co-parenting relationships, and harms children who get caught in the crossfire. Consider whether [mediation](/blog/how-to-choose-a-divorce-mediator-in-ontario), collaborative divorce, or negotiation through lawyers might resolve your issues without the emotional and financial cost of litigation. These approaches aren't for everyone, and they require both parties to participate in good faith. But when they work, they typically produce better outcomes than fighting it out in court. ### Not Taking Care of Yourself Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. Many cases take a year or more to resolve, and you need to sustain yourself through the process. People who neglect their physical and mental health, who isolate themselves from support, or who pour every ounce of energy into the conflict often find themselves burned out and unable to make good decisions when it matters most. Building a support system is important. This might include a therapist or counsellor, a [divorce coach](/blog/do-i-need-a-divorce-coach), trusted friends and family, or a support group for people going through separation. Taking care of basics like sleep, exercise, and nutrition helps you think more clearly and cope with stress. Maintaining interests and relationships outside the divorce gives you perspective and reminds you that your whole life isn't defined by this process. ## How to Make Better Decisions During Divorce Knowing that emotional decision-making is a problem is one thing. Actually avoiding it is another. Here are some practical strategies. **Build in a waiting period.** Before sending any communication to your ex or making any significant decision, wait. Twenty-four hours is good. Forty-eight is better. Write the email if you need to, but don't send it. Sleep on decisions. The clarity that comes with a bit of distance can prevent costly mistakes. **Separate the emotional process from the legal process.** You need to grieve the end of your marriage, process your feelings, and heal. You also need to navigate a legal process that divides assets, determines parenting arrangements, and addresses support. These are related but different. Work through your emotions with a therapist, counsellor, or coach. Approach the legal process as practically as possible, making decisions based on your actual interests rather than your feelings about your ex. **Focus on the future, not the past.** Family court isn't a venue for relitigating your marriage or proving who was at fault. While most divorces proceed based on one year of separation, adultery or cruelty can also be alleged as the basis of marriage breakdown (often to avoid waiting), though they don't automatically change property or support outcomes. Outside of family violence considerations and their impact on parenting, the court isn't particularly interested in marital misconduct. Focusing on past grievances distracts from what actually matters: building a workable arrangement for the future. **Define your real priorities.** What do you actually need from this divorce? Financial security? Time with your children? The ability to stay in your home? A clean break? Getting clear on your true priorities helps you distinguish between things worth fighting for and things you're contesting out of principle or spite. **Listen to your lawyer.** If you've hired a family law lawyer, they've seen hundreds of cases and know how courts typically handle situations like yours. When their advice conflicts with what your emotions are telling you, at least seriously consider that they might be right. You don't have to follow every recommendation, but dismissing professional advice in favour of your gut feelings is risky. **Consider the cost-benefit of every battle.** Before fighting about something, ask yourself: What will it cost to litigate this issue (in legal fees, time, and stress)? What's the realistic range of outcomes? Is the potential benefit worth the certain cost? Often the answer is no. ## Key Takeaways **Letting emotions drive decisions is the biggest mistake.** Your feelings are valid, but they shouldn't control your legal and financial choices. **Fighting battles that don't matter wastes resources.** Courts have limited interest in who was the better spouse. Focus on what actually affects outcomes. **Rejecting reasonable offers out of anger is costly.** Assess proposals objectively, not emotionally. **Understand your finances before negotiating.** You can't reach a fair settlement if you don't know what you have. **Keep children out of the middle.** Exposing children to parental conflict harms them and can affect your case. **Get proper legal information.** Even if you don't hire a lawyer for everything, understand your rights before making major decisions. **Don't rush just to end the pain.** Taking time to get it right prevents problems later. **Not every divorce needs to be a war.** Mediation, collaboration, and negotiation often produce better outcomes than litigation. **Take care of yourself.** You need to sustain yourself through a difficult process. Build support and maintain your wellbeing. **Build in waiting periods.** Don't send that email or make that decision until you've had time to think clearly. ### Disclaimer This article provides general information about divorce and separation in Canada. It is not legal advice. Every situation is unique, and the right approach depends on your specific circumstances, including whether there are safety concerns, power imbalances, or other factors that affect what options are appropriate for you. For guidance about your situation, consider speaking with a family law lawyer or other qualified professional.